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About Literature / Hobbyist Beck FermFemale/Sweden Recent Activity
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Post-Happiness Infusion
Are these my real thoughts
My actual ideas put in words
Or are they just a product of depression
A post-happiness infusion
A post-happiness display
Everything was so stable
Until I was murdered
By sentimental happiness
Have you ever felt it's impossible to learn
That you always fall back into your own past mistakes
As if you set a pattern for yourself that you must now follow
It's in your blood and carved in stone
Forged from your fear of the comfortable
And from your fear of being alone
In combination
Everything was so stable
I had pieced together everything I could find
Every little piece of paper, pieced together with glue
Forming the most delicate of statues
I had waterproofed it
So it would sail safely
In the rain
In the gutters
Had I ever expected the glue to dissolve
Or for the sun to kill its way through the darkness
Had I ever expected all these connections
All these encapsuled memories
Trapped in my mind
Escaping in laughter
And in tears
Why can't I embrace the unpredictable
:iconwolfzeus:Wolfzeus 0 0
A Word Or A Feeling
Let's pretend I've grown out of disappointment
Let's pretend I'm too old to be naive
That I embrace the rational
Let's pretend that's me
Is disappointment a word or a feeling
Does it have meaning
Is it nothing but the bitter taste in your mouth
The taste of sour on your lips and on your tongue
Is it just the air going down your lungs
Every time you breathe
Just a little less air
Can you say your heart was painted by the feeling
From the inside and out, drowning in paint
Can you say you understand me
When I try to describe how I feel
Or are you just a portrait on the wall
Without thought or feeling at all
Did you smell those chrysant flowers
Did you smell the ocean waves
Did you ever expect more than the world
currently had on display for you
And did you see them,
when they tore it all away
Under your feet
Or did you read about disappointment in a dictionary
Was it explained to you in descriptive words
Did they show you pictures, and play you interviews
With everyone who had ever had th
:iconwolfzeus:Wolfzeus 0 0
The Death Of Dread
I don't remember my heart ever being this full of dread
Filled to the brim with plausible and impossible scenarios
I don't remember when I last felt this heavy
Like every step I took weighed me down
Like every streetlight I passed by
Provoked a chain reaction
And made me feel
every possible emotion
I don't remember when I felt relieved
Except for the times I escaped into my heart
and rearranged it to suit my temporary wishes
Rearranged it so I could pretend it was different
That everything was different
I don't remember when I last felt so small
Like all the buildings towered up around me
Making me insignificant, making me insufficient
I'm so small, in comparison to the sky
To the world
To everyone
I try so hard to convince myself nothing comes easy
And to live the the life you've always dreamed
Requires sacrifice
I try so hard
I'm good at giving advice to myself
Advice I never follow
Things are too comfortable
Too easy and simple
To change
What if things really were different
What wou
:iconwolfzeus:Wolfzeus 0 0
They Always Fall Down
I can feel them burning, burning like fire in my eyes
I can't let them out, can't let them escape
I can't unleash the waterfall
and the waterfall always starts
with just one drop
If I succumb to them what happens to my anger
To my conviction that this was only to be expected
I'll only fall again, and become the sacrifice needed
To avoid confrontations and ill words
To feed my feeling of being safe
And cradled
but some things aren't worth what they cost to achieve
No, I can't let them fall, I can't
If only there was another way to channel them
If only I could send them back and pretend
they never burned in my eyes like fire
Pretend they never blurred my sight
But in the end they always fall
And there's only one way to fall
They always fall down
:iconwolfzeus:Wolfzeus 0 0
Have you ever tried to embrace the cause of your sadness
Holding it to your heart in a treacherous caress
The last time you can read eachother
The last time you'll live in bliss
In one last embrace
In one last kiss
Have you ever experienced this
You spun lies out of spoken words
And almost fell for your own deceit
Learning to mask yourself so skillfully
That everyone was fooled
Including me
I'll keep my own mindtricks at an arm's length away
Hoping I'll protect myself that way
I told myself I was making the right decisions
Keeping my own impulses at bay
Now I can't tell if I did it out of convenience
Or out of self-preservation
And cutting the bonds with desperation
Requires motivation
You spun lies out of spoken words
And almost fell for your own deceit
Learning to mask yourself so skillfully
That everyone was fooled
Including me
Could you teach me, please
How to look beyond the shortest moments
While keeping remembrance of myself
Of who I always wanted to be
Can you teach me, please
:iconwolfzeus:Wolfzeus 0 0
Screenshot: 10 sec animation by Wolfzeus Screenshot: 10 sec animation :iconwolfzeus:Wolfzeus 0 0
How great it feels to see your dreams break
To lose that little ounce of hope
that you had just managed to conjure
out of many long and sleepless nights
You drew dots of hope in constellations of stars
while blocking every other thought away
As if you could paint a better life for yourself
How great it feels, when that bubble bursts
The illusion that the circumstances might someday change
That someday you might be that person you wanted to be
That you would have done everything you wanted to do
That you had opened your eyes to everything you wanted to see
How great it feels to see all those grand plans
Abruptly and recklessly torn from your hands
instead of slipping slowly through your fingers
You're left with that feeling of surprise and confusion
And it clings to you and lingers
And it hurts, doesn't it
When everyone told you, you were too naive
Doesn't it hurt when they turn out to be right
Doesn't it hurt, doesn't it hurt
When everything breaks
And you break
:iconwolfzeus:Wolfzeus 0 0
Your Shallowness
Were you always this shallow
Or have you perfected your image with time
A transparent compensation for past actions
A transparent bandaid for your past wounds
Your past scars
At what point did you lose your depth
And everything that made you interesting
Everything that gave you appeal
And satisfied your own hunger
At what point did you turn your back on the world
The world that was inside your head
Is everything that counts now notches on your bedpost
Your rank among people you never cared about
Is popularity the eighth virtue or the eighth sin
Have you given that some thought
Did you let it sink in
Have you gone over your priorities just yet
Have you looked back and remembered
Remembered the reason you came here
Remembered why you chose it
Why you fought for it
It's not going to match up with your current ideals
Isn't it sad and sentimental how your values always change
And how still the core of things seems to stay the same
And everything's rooted in the past,
no matter how many bran
:iconwolfzeus:Wolfzeus 0 0
Different Dark
I think you raped me
I think I never gave you my consent
I think that it never occurred to me to say no
I think that it didn't matter to you
That you never thought of it,
from my point of view
So go on then, do it again
You're welcome to hurt me
To rape me, to scar me
And make every little flame of life
Slowly die, deep inside
I think you stabbed me
when I wasn't looking
when I thought I was in safe hands
And you were everything but safe
How could I convince myself
you weren't dangerous
How could I convince myself
everything was fine
when it wasn't
So go on then, do it again
You're welcome to hurt me
To rape me, to bruise me
And make every little flame of life
Slowly die, deep inside
I'd love for you to tempt me again
To grab onto me and lure me in
As I've always loved to be run over completely
I've always loved to be scarred that deeply
So go on then, do it again
You're welcome to hurt me
To rape me, to bruise me
And make every little flame of life
Slowly die, deep inside
I want you t
:iconwolfzeus:Wolfzeus 0 0
Exit Signs
I promise, I'll take care of it tomorrow
Can't you see how those tomorrows glisten
They're full of promises yet to be made,
full of promises still unbroken
And they whisper to you in the dark
Telling you there'll be better days
Do you believe them?
Do you believe them,
dwelling in the dark,
covered in sugar-coated dreams?
What choice do you really have?
When it stands between the final solution
and fixing your eyes on tomorrows
What choice do you really have?
When the present chains you down
When it chains you down so badly you'll surely drown
Even if you never chose it yourself it will chase you
You know you couldn't live this way
Clear-sighted, in the night
You know you'd just fade away
When did the demons return?
When did the nightmares start?
When did it become clear to you
That it was breaking your heart
That it was breaking your heart
I promise, I'll take care of it tomorrow
Or really any other day that never comes
I hear those are the best days to deal with life
I hea
:iconwolfzeus:Wolfzeus 1 3
You and I, we were born from similar conditions
And we carved our lives with similar decisions
In many ways we're eachother's reflections
but we've ceased to be eachother's voices,
over crackling phone lines
We don't make time,
we don't take time,
the way it used to be
Our conditions now vary
between you and me
I'm sorry I can't be of any more use to you
That I can't act like you expected me to
But what were your expectations, really
It's not my trade to cherish defeat
Congratulations for buying time
It's all still for rent,
it's all still on lease
As am I
I've tried to follow your every development
I've been your companion to your every dead end
I've overlooked everything and given my consent
It's not that I don't care anymore,
I just ran out of energy
and it's not enough for me
to just stand by and watch you leave
Our situations now differ
Our situations are unique
I'm sorry I can't be of any more use to you
That I can't act like you expected me to
But what were your expectations, re
:iconwolfzeus:Wolfzeus 0 0
I looked everywhere for you
Through every door, in every room
I thought I could conjure you to life
That you could be returned
That you never died
Everywhere I heard your voice
Everywhere I saw your eyes
Regardless of choice,
Regardless of mind
You presented yourself
To my memory
Ghost to be
I can't retrieve you from the other side
I can't glorify you after you died
I can't grasp my own dreams anymore
but I can fulfill yours
In your name
Even though it's not the same
I had to withstand facing your Reaper
I was forced to embrace
I confronted a mirage of you
That was really me
Everywhere I heard your voice
Everywhere I saw your eyes
Regardless of choice,
Regardless of mind
You presented yourself
To my memory
Ghost to be
They wouldn't let me be,
they chased after me
I ran for you, to save your remains
To save what I remember
from damage and stains
You couldn't face your Reaper alone
Isn't that why I was allowed to be
When all awhile I wouldn't see
that was your only ambit
:iconwolfzeus:Wolfzeus 0 0
Wondrous Solution
What is there left for me now
As your life progresses, and mine
Always seems to fall behind
In a slower pace
What do you suggest I do
How do I close the rift
you tore open
With claws and
Silent screams
What is there left for me to dream of
I'll never run into your ghost anymore
I'll never lie awake at night
Seeing your demons, fly me by
You've gone to hunt for other demons
Or maybe, for the first time in your life
You're not looking for monsters,
out there for you to find
Maybe for the first time
You look around you
and it all makes sense
Crystal clear sense
Should I be mourning you still
Mourning old games of hide and seek
Those eyes, that you reserved for me
How out of place am I to criticize you
To ask of you to stay
I never said the words
Not to your face
Only inside my own mind
when I daydreamed
What is left to daydream of now
What is left but emptiness and grief
Gradually I've realized
I was never as meaningful to you
As you were meaningful to me
I'd like some of that miracle pot
:iconwolfzeus:Wolfzeus 0 0
In Hiding
When I'm reminded
I wonder how I survived
Why I survived
When old lines, old words
Decide to reveal themselves
After all their time in hiding
They're like stabbing knives
Reminding, reminding
How could it be possible to overcome
How did I endure, what was my motivation
When I had lost everything that meant something
When I had lost everything that was me
How could I not have seen it coming
How could I not have known
Was I really that naive
Was I really that blind
To think that I would be an exception
To think that you would be
To never imagine you leaving me
Without explanation, without reason, without sense
You left me with an aching hole,
Left me with decadence
Left me to die
Left it all to die
When I'm reminded
I wonder how I survived
Why I survived
When old lines, old words
Decide to reveal themselves
After all their time in hiding
They're like stabbing knives
Reminding, reminding
Self-preservation told me otherwise
Told me I had healed, and that aching hole had sealed
Stubborn sel
:iconwolfzeus:Wolfzeus 1 0
Symbols And Signs
Aren't we too different to speak of this
Shouldn't I have known it wouldn't be meaningful
That only in my own mind does it make sense
Do the words and thoughts have any power
Only in my mind do they seem real and true
I shouldn't have come to you
Is this how it was meant to be
Will the poet always be lonely
Lacking understanding
Dead heads only nodding
Dead eyes that can't read
Between lines
Eyes that can't see symbols
Symbols and signs
You never shared my love for abstractions
In your world everything's for granted
Realizations about life and death
Aren't allowed to stray near you
Only in my mind do they seem real and true
I shouldn't have come to you
Is this how it was meant to be
Will the poet always be lonely
Lacking understanding
Dead heads only nodding
Dead eyes that can't read
Between lines
Eyes that can't see symbols
Symbols and signs
I don't make divine observations
Life isn't a starry sky to be analyzed
But I live for everything between those lights
Everything that can't be s
:iconwolfzeus:Wolfzeus 1 0
Treasure Hill
What interest have you in my thoughts, my wishes
Of how I daydream or how I dream at night
What does it matter to you what I read,
What I write, what I make, what I create
If it isn't aligned with yours it's insignificant
If it isn't already in your thoughts,
in your wishes,
it's invisible
You're too attached to daily appointments
To promises that you made to yourself
That the world follows with gaping eyes
Like they'd never think to follow mine
My wishes was always too abstract
For anyone to even consider as real
I miss even the darkest times of living
Then at least I felt I fought for something
Then there was something more than illusions
at the edge of the treasure hill
And there was something more than just dread
To kill
Couldn't you just once open this wine with me
Finish it while speaking of unspeakable things
And what you think of when you dare to think
Couldn't you just once stop, and listen,
and find my words meaningful
What interest do you have in what I value
What interest d
:iconwolfzeus:Wolfzeus 0 0


Alice cards by SachaKalis Alice cards :iconsachakalis:SachaKalis 13,853 19 Pop-up Wind Waker by endless-whispers Pop-up Wind Waker :iconendless-whispers:endless-whispers 224 16 even in death it grows. by cristina-otero even in death it grows. :iconcristina-otero:cristina-otero 7,457 301 circus freak. by cristina-otero circus freak. :iconcristina-otero:cristina-otero 1,810 98 _living in a dream. by josefinejonssonphoto _living in a dream. :iconjosefinejonssonphoto:josefinejonssonphoto 2,064 190 Sleeping Beauty II by nairafee Sleeping Beauty II :iconnairafee:nairafee 291 10 Ocarina of Time birthday cake by Kidura Ocarina of Time birthday cake :iconkidura:Kidura 2,050 195 Violin Girl by Ninjatic Violin Girl :iconninjatic:Ninjatic 11,358 413 An ordinary day of relax by Alessia-Izzo An ordinary day of relax :iconalessia-izzo:Alessia-Izzo 798 59 On fire ... by aoao2 On fire ... :iconaoao2:aoao2 1,108 31 Alice by SachaKalis Alice :iconsachakalis:SachaKalis 41,205 1,846 The Midnight Game. II by zemotion The Midnight Game. II :iconzemotion:zemotion 33,093 2,413 Forgotten Fairytales II by zemotion Forgotten Fairytales II :iconzemotion:zemotion 16,729 1,087 Forgotten Fairytales by zemotion Forgotten Fairytales :iconzemotion:zemotion 82,442 6,740 Home and the Fairies by zancan Home and the Fairies :iconzancan:zancan 70,325 6,390 Baby Doll - Sucker Punch by bm23 Baby Doll - Sucker Punch :iconbm23:bm23 126 34



Wolfzeus's Profile Picture
Beck Ferm
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
Game student

Current Residence: Skövde
Favourite genre of music: Melodic
MP3 player of choice: iPod
Favourite cartoon character: Alice in Wonderland
Personal Quote: You're stoned! - Yeah.... nooooo.
Nanowrimo is nearing with huge steps. It's in fact just one day away (not counting today), and I intend to spend that day in glorious vacation spirit together with my sister. She's visiting me over the day and I can't wait to see her. I love having visitors, I've missed her like crazy, and some sister-and-sister time always cheers me up. We're going to go swimming and get a nice sun treatment (we people in Scandinavia need these things when the sun decides to go into hibernation for half a year - and yes, that's totally what happens, I've always been such a scientist) that will hopefully cheer my tired body and mind up. I've prepared for making both tacos for dinner and blueberry pie for dessert. Sometimes even a student has to award themselves with a bit of luxury, and what better timing than when your sister visits? We calculated it a bit earlier today and we think that the last time she was here was during the spring, so it's really not something that happens very often. The more fun it'll be, hopefully!

On another, university-related note, I've now submitted all of my assignments and all I can do now is cross my fingers and hope they'll be well received. I spent a few hours of today worrying that I won't pass until I told myself to get a grip and simply stay put for the results. It's kind of hard though, this is one of the courses I've been the very most enthusiastic about and the impact of the grade will therefore be the bigger... I really hope I won't have to redo anything. I'll just cross my fingers and now forget about it.

I can't wait to start Nano. I'm lucky in the way that after Thursday, we're lesson- and homework-free until November 7th, so if I'm just disciplined enough I can try and get a head start for the rest of the month. After all, there'll be no deadlines in November as far as I know; the final submissions will be at the end of the course, and that's not until January. But if Nano interferes with my school results, I'll have to drop it. I'm reluctant to, I have a great idea, and even the most clear and vivid idea of my characters in my head - I might even go ahead and draw them after I write this post. Oh, I should get on with writing the Lovecraft story as well. I was hoping DJ might show up and do some word wars with me so I could finish it, but I haven't seen him around yet, so maybe I'll just do a few on my own. I'd love to have that story sent in so I can really focus on Nano. I don't think I'll be able to do that until the story has been sent in! It's a pretty interesting story, about a man who stays awake because he's afraid of his nightmares. Little does he know that he has very good reasons to be (that is yet to be revealed, probably on page four). It's overall a story about the mare, that gave the word 'nightmare' it's name; the version of it that can be found in Nordic mythology. At least I find it interesting myself and I think it's a pretty Lovecraftian mood over it, but then I'm not one of the judges. It'll be great once I finish it and submit it - it will mean that so far this year I have kept my promise, and entered every writing contest I've found, with only one exception: the Umeå annual contest, which is aimed more towards established writers. I didn't participate in it because A) there was no theme or limitations in the instructions, which strangely generated absolutely no ideas in my head, B) they only approve submissions by regular post which gave me less writing time and C) I had too many other stories going on anyway. I still feel pretty proud of my achievement and I plan on collecting all my produced stories in a little anthology and give it as a Christmas present to my grandparents, and to my mother, the three people who have supported me the most in my writing. I can't wait. Another good thing about November is that two contests will announce the results and the winners, and even though I didn't feel like I produced anything unique for either, I'm still excited to see how it goes. Who knows? I have been wrong before in situations like these. I just really don't want to get my hopes up. There are plenty of good writers out there who are quite the competition so I'm not counting on anything.

Today I've been watching various documentaries most of the day, mostly due to the fact that I'm now 'free' (with the exception of our other course, but I've worked as hard as I could on that today as well, so). I've watched everything from Norse runes found in America, experimental surgeries in the Roman empire, the artwork and film-making of Salvador Dali, the life and deeds of Mother Teresa and very briefly looked at a documentary about president Nixon. I feel twice as informed about the world as I was before, ha, ha. It's a good sign that my brain didn't fry and that I could actually focus on something that wasn't cartoons for more than ten minutes - something I'm not quite able to do when I'm stressed and hyper.

Anyway, that's about all I had to say for now, I should really get to vacuum cleaning and finishing Lovecraft.
See you in the glorious Nano Land!


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xXxDesolationRowxXx Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2011
Thank you for the fav hun!(:
Wolfzeus Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome, I loved it :)
BelovedUnderwing Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2011  Professional General Artist
thanks for the :+fav:!
Wackyjax Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Well hiya! :wave: Thanks for the watch!
Wolfzeus Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome! I should have added you earlier, but I haven't been on deviantArt in any big extent until now :)
Wackyjax Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Well, welcome and enjoy your stay! :D
Wolfzeus Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! I will! :)
Caducell Featured By Owner May 11, 2011
Thanks for the fave :huggle:
Liekkii Featured By Owner May 20, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the fave, babe. :hug:
Wolfzeus Featured By Owner May 20, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
No worries love <3
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