In Hiding

When I'm reminded
I wonder how I survived
Why I survived
When old lines, old words
Decide to reveal themselves
After all their time in hiding
They're like stabbing knives
Reminding, reminding

How could it be possible to overcome
How did I endure, what was my motivation
When I had lost everything that meant something
When I had lost everything that was me

How could I not have seen it coming
How could I not have known
Was I really that naive
Was I really that blind
To think that I would be an exception
To think that you would be
To never imagine you leaving me

Without explanation, without reason, without sense
You left me with an aching hole,
Left me with decadence
Left me to die
Left it all to die

When I'm reminded
I wonder how I survived
Why I survived
When old lines, old words
Decide to reveal themselves
After all their time in hiding
They're like stabbing knives
Reminding, reminding

Self-preservation told me otherwise
Told me I had healed, and that aching hole had sealed
Stubborn self-preservation, telling me lies
And the link hasn't worked for years
But it can still fuel screams
It can still fuel tears

When did I make the decision to live
When did I decide that one day it would be worth it
One day I'd look back and be grateful I was still around
When will it be worth it
When will the pain truly subside
When will I stop panicking
Because I'm alive

When I'm reminded
I wonder how I survived
Why I survived
When old lines, old words
Decide to reveal themselves
After all their time in hiding
They're like stabbing knives
Reminding, reminding

It tears the hole up every time
With every word, with every line
And again it aches, and again I break
Every time I wonder how I survived
I thought the first cut was the deepest
That I'd only be left with scars inside
It was self-deceit, it was all a lie
Carefully told
I was never meant to suspect
It would worsen with time
I was never meant to realize

When I'm reminded
I wonder how I survived
Why I survived
When old lines, old words
Decide to reveal themselves
After all their time in hiding
They're like stabbing knives
Reminding, reminding

Do I really want to fall asleep
What if I dream your voice to life
What if I revive your words, your lines
I can't do it all over, I can't do it one more time
I've managed to block out all their meaning
I've managed to blind myself to their power
I can't lose them one more time,
I can't lose them again
I can't lose you again
Even if it's only in my dreams
Even if you're only conjured by me